When you come to term with certain things in life; it is also the time when you can start talking and sharing about it. I’ve never had a post this private but I guess it’s about time I let it all out in one post.
Last year this time, I’ve subtly blogged about a special someone who came into my life very briefly, but before I could start appreciating it’s presence, it left. I was sad, very sad, for a very long time. I didn’t have the courage to speak to any one about it. Not my family nor my friends, not to say blog about it. The only person I could relate to was Jos, everyone that came to me or people I tried to turn to didn’t gives me the same comfort. For a long time, I felt strongly that these people (although really close friends) were mocking at me and that I am a complete failure. That lingers within me for a very long time.
The truth – I was really going through a miscarriage at that time.
The pregnancy then was a surprise. We were not trying for a baby, although we know we will be quite happy if we should have one. So when I missed my period then, I wasn’t even at the least suspicious that I might be pregnant. So by the time I found out I was pregnant, I thought I should have been about 6 weeks pregnant basing on my last menstrual period. We were as happy as can be.
During my first scan at my calculated 9 weeks, the sonographer measured the fetus to be 7.5 weeks with a heartbeat. The first thought was I’ve miscalculated my LMP, right? I mean what else can be wrong right?
So we moved on, i started feeling really bloated and awful there after. I complain to everyone I meet on how hard it was for me and how ugly I felt. I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy! Not one bit. I had to travel back to Singapore at that time, which was dreadful but I did anyway.
Two weeks later, while I was still in Singapore and was supposedly 9.5 weeks basing on the last scan, I started spotting blood. I rush myself to the gynecologist (a random one) and was told he could not find a heartbeat of my fetus!! He continue to say, “Oh, this is what we call Missed Miscarriage.” I was like what the f**k you talking about, you old fart. That was really what I said from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t trust him, because it was a holiday eve and I could not find a better clinic than his which happens to be a very run down and old clinic, with old apparatus, old nurses and no patient waiting in line!! He proposed for me to perform a D&C after the holiday which is 3 days later.
When I came out of the clinic, the truth starting sinking in. He is old yes but he must be experienced enough to tell there is clearly no heartbeat. My tears uncontrollably rolled, and I couldn’t stop. It was hard to break the news to Jos who was 10,000 km away from me. feeling helpless.
The next person I told was one of my childhood friend-M, she think I should go for a second opinion and because it is a holiday eve, the only place available would be the A&E in the hospital. M was my only pillar of strength, she came right after work, drove from town to east (where I lives) to pick me up and drove back to town (where the hospital is). I am so grateful to have a friend like her, what she did mean so much to me.
After waited for a good hour, we were told the same. Fetus measures 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. But this doctor tries to be optimistic, she said let’s wait a week, maybe still too small to find the heartbeat. But I know, the fetus isn’t suppose to be this small!! I went for a 3rd opinion with my friend M’s gynecologist the following Monday and nothing change, NO HEARTBEAT !! NO HEARTBEAT!! There the gynecologist suggest I do a D&C asap or I could have infection from the passing fetus.
I had the D&C the next day, and there my angel baby left.
I was devastated. I didn’t know how much I wanted the baby until I know I was going to lose it. I’ve never felt like this before. I regretted my actions of being indifferent, I felt like it was God’s punishment to me for being cocky and ungrateful. I hated myself. I feel that I’ve let Jos down. I’ve let his family down. I felt like a total failure but there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. Nothing at all! I can change, I promise! I will be grateful, I will not complain of the discomfort of being pregnant, I will appreciate being able to make babies. But no, it was too late, nothing I do was going to bring the baby back. And the truth is, although I’ve only carried the fetus for 12 weeks (basing on my LMP), the feeling I have for it is the same as what anyone would feel for their child (born or unborn). I’ve loss my baby, I’ve loss my baby. That’s about all I could think about for the next few months after.
To make myself feel better, I turn to forums and chat up with ladies who have went through the same thing as I have. I find comfort from there because it was them that makes me feel less awful of myself. It was them that would listen to me and give me an answer to just what I wanna hear. From there, I make some really nice friend too! 🙂
Because of the loss, I wanted to be pregnant again even more. I spoke to the Gynecologist; I told him I want to be pregnant again. He prescribe me with Clomid. According to him, that helps to regulate ovulation and increase chances of getting pregnant. I took Clomid for 4 months with Ovulation test kit, suffering all the mood swings and all this to a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. My period would came right after I pee on the stick to test for pregnancy. It was tiring and discouraging. I cried each time my period arrives.
Then I gave up hope. Perhaps it is God’s will. But I will never forget that little visitor for the rest of my life, I swear. And now I officially documented it.
The end. I thought.
No, Not Yet.
On Feb 8 2014, the day I should have my period, I found out I was pregnant again. The exact same cycle as from last year. I am scared stiff. why has it got to be the same cycle? I don’t know what to expect but I can only try to expect the best out of it. Yes, we are over the moon!
I’ve safely passed my first trimester. I’m 14 weeks today. Every minute of every day is a blessing to us.
Life is full of surprises. Sometimes good, other times bad, but I am pretty sure Whatever happens, happen for a reason.