The Battle of The Two J

The alien is now almost ready to fly. If you have followed my previous post, the alien here I’m referring to is just me being a new migrant to the Netherlands. Finally, after 2 long months waiting, the Dutch Immigration department have approved for me, the alien, to make it’s entry to the Netherlands officially.

So, am I happy? Why would I not be right? Clearly, this is the day I’ve been waiting for, for the past 2 years. To be in the Netherlands was what I prayed for. I’ve been longing to live a life with Jos together and not separately. I have to be happy. There is no looking back. This is it, the life I’ve always wanted. The experience I’ve been waiting to have as an expat and no, no longer a tourist.

The truth is, I am also sad and scared. There are two J within me right now. And every night, the two J would be engaged in an argument discussion process. Fighting among themselves, trying hard to over right the other’s feeling.  It can be so noisy that it keep me awake for a very long time. And after a long fight without conclusion, they would both fall asleep.

Tonight, the conversation went like this:

The Battle of the Two J

J 1 – Oh Yeah! We are leaving in less than 2 weeks! How cool is that?

J 2 – I’m sad. A little confuse. I’m not sure if this is what I wanted.

J 1 – What’s wrong with you J2?  I thought we both agree this is the path we chose? We have jointly agree to choose to live our life with one man above all the rest.

J 2 – Yes, but…. My life was here. My family is here, my friends are here and my livelihood is here as well. All these I am going to leave behind for one man. It is inevitable that I feel a little sad and scared.

J 1 – Well yes, but stop being emotional! Everything will be just fine. You know it.

J 2 – But…..

J 1 – No buts. We came so far, we know this is what we wanted.

J 2 – I won’t see my family on a daily basis. And my friends, will I lose them as friends eventually? Will they still love me?

J 1 – There are skype! Whatsapp! Tango! Come on, there is technology to connect us. And yes, your family and friends still loves you.

J 2 – But I will miss them very much.

J 1 – Of course we will, but they will be very happy for us because they know we have choose the life we wanted. And not forgetting, our family and friends will have an excuse to visit Europe!

J 2 – Why are you so emotionless? How did you do that?

J 1 – Well, then just stop thinking and let me do the thinking. Only positive thoughts can bring positive results.

J 2 – But, u are selfish and cold!

J 1 – That’s how life is, we have our life to live and so does everyone else. No one owes you a living, we have to plan our future happiness.

J 2 – 😦 tears rolling ….

J1 – OK, forget it. Let’s just stay where we are and forget about the move.

J2 – *Tears stop* I can’t do that! I want to be with Jos and continue our adventure!

J1 – All right then, I rest my case….

J2 – 😦

So yes, every night, the conversation between the two J battling within me. There isn’t a clear conclusion of what should be and not be. This is the time of a feeling commonly known as “the mixed” feeling. You feel happy on one hand and on the other you feel sad. This is also commonly known as “we cannot have the cake and eat it too”.

The two Jess

 

If I should search deeper within myself,  I do know what I had struggled for all this time and what I really yearn for and yes, moving to the Netherlands is part of a life time experience. Besides having the blessing of being with the one I love, I have the opportunity to see and learn new experiences. The different culture, the language and most of all, I’d really like to travel the whole of EU, if at all possible.

I know the battle of the two J will go on and on until the day I land in the Netherlands. By that time, I reckon, they would be too busy to have any time for arguments, all they want might be to fall asleep quickly so that they are awake fresh next morning for a brand new day of adventure.

Good Luck J and all the best to the new chapter of your life.  Love, J

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